By Ansley Walker
I say the following
sentence and the entirety of this paper with complete honesty: I love a good
toilet.
Upon arriving in France, I immediately felt inspired to produce a satirical
review on the finest toilets to use at the Cannes Film Festival, mostly because
toilet humor is fabulous and applicable to all. However, I quickly realized
that this could really benefit women (and men) visiting Cannes. So, I present
to you a review and guide to the best bathrooms in Cannes. As a lady, I am
taking this from a female perspective with what we may be interested in when it
comes to a respectable bathroom, but some crossover does exist with the many
unisex toilettes here.
Overall, I maintain
a positive perspective towards the toilets in Cannes. Why? Flushing power and
privacy.
Flushing power
is exactly as it sounds. Too often do I come across a toilet in America that
belittles itself with the flushing power of a modern outhouse. There is an
industry standard in France, and throughout Europe, in which toilets have
immense flushing power. The flush lasts for nearly 10 full seconds and with a
high velocity. The environmentalist inside me cringes at the idea, but almost
all flushes have two power options to save water when needed.
The power of
privacy is a real thing and probably the most important factor when examining
bathrooms. Communal bathrooms are necessary for populated spaces, but private
bathrooms are the ultimate situation. Consider the “Powder Room Thesis,” referring
to a new wave of women who are calling on institutions to create a separate
space for hand-washing and “powdering,” or in modern vernacular fixing makeup
and chit-chatting with friends. With a modern movement suggesting all women can’t
go to the bathroom alone, it has turned a place of privacy into something strangely
social. Many women reject the idea of having to be surrounded by Chatty Cathy’s
fixing their lip liner when they are trying to use the restrooms. So, good on
you France. Private bathrooms are a norm here and it is for the better.
The Grading
Scale: I used a structure similar to that of a school system.
Again, it is important
to note that I view the toilets in Cannes with a very positive outlook, so even
a lower grade within this review is simply relative to those around it.
Hôtel
Barrière Le Majestic: A+
The reputation
of the Majestic proceeds it, and it’s fitting that this is the crème de la crème
of bathrooms in Cannes. Descend the spiral stairs into a marblesque bathroom
alike a modern-day Versailles. While a communal style bathroom, the lighting,
large stalls and pleasant floral aroma make this place special. A powder
room-like area exists with couches, but it is attached to stall area, so c’est
la vie. Clean, chic and centrally located the Majestic lobby bathroom reigns
supreme.
Steak n’ Shake: A
In my opinion,
the most pleasantly surprising bathroom I encountered. The Steak n’ Shake in
Cannes is the only restaurant of its chain located outside the United States,
and it is delicious and strongly similar to taste of any Steak n’ Shake in
Athens. The layout is great. Go beyond the kitchen and up the stairs to a pleasing
bathroom set up. Two unisex bathrooms exist to accommodate a crowd, but keeps
things private. The bathrooms remain at a very nice temperature, something I
appreciated during a late night snack when it was 60 degrees and raining outside.
The restroom has a fresh scent and great flushing power.
Warner Café and
Le Bar á Vin: B+
The bathroom
lies on the bottom floor of the restaurant; only a short walk fro the door. It’s
a little small and unisex, but very clean. It doesn’t hurt that this place,
located behind the Gray Theatre, has the best 5-euro glass of rosé in Cannes and
a charcuterie board that will make you cry.
La Boulangerie/Jean
Luc Pelé: B
Jean Luc Pelé is
a tasty, affordable lunch spot with boutique sandwiches and salads. Located
between the festival area and the train station, it makes for an easy spot to
pop in for a to-go croissant. The bathroom is fine, private, but unisex and
with a low flushing power. Also, it’s small and upstairs in a crowded eating
area. However, with many cafés in Cannes lacking a bathroom of any kind, it’s a
well-located and relatively clean place to stop by.
Palais des
Festivals
Palais I: A
This restroom is
perfectly located right outside the theatre door. I had to run out of Clash to relieve myself and to my astounding
surprise, there was this bathroom less than 5 meters from the door. I missed
almost none of the film I was watching. A very useful toilet that is clean and
private with large stalls.
Lerins: B+
This is the closest
bathroom to the American Pavilion, but up a few flights of stairs and communally
styled. It’s clean enough, but always very populated with a queue. The saving
grace here is some great flushing power.
Downstairs by
the Registration Area: C
I tried to
change for a premiere in this communal bathroom, which may have been my worst
decision at the festival aside from watching Basmati Blues. The insanely small stalls are claustrophobic worthy,
and with a prominent location inside the Palais, the wait time for such a
half-assed series of toilets leaves you angry.
Un-gradable:
As one of most populated
places inside the Cannes Film Festival, the American Pavilion has no bathroom
and it is befuddling.
